I became a mom with a single phone call. “We have an emergency placement for a 3-week-old baby boy. Can we drop him off in an hour?”
Foster care is strange like that. One moment, your life looks a certain way, and an hour later, everything changes.
The moment I saw Rylan, I felt an instant connection. Red hair, blue eyes—the rarest natural combination in the world, and one we shared. He was so tiny, so fragile, yet somehow, I just knew I was ready. Ready to be a mom. Ready to be his mom.
By the second day, I was completely in love. On the third day, I learned more about his mom. Her name was Ashley. This was her first baby, and she was all alone. My heart broke for her, and then it broke for me, because I knew loving Rylan meant I would eventually have to let him go so he could be reunited with her.
Ashley and I communicated through a “back-and-forth journal”—one notebook we shared, writing to each other every week. My first note to her read:
“Ashley, we are rooting for you. We will love and protect Rylan as if he is our own until you’re reunited.”
By then, I had been caring for him for a month. I felt torn in two. I loved him so fiercely, and yet I knew that love meant someday saying goodbye.
Not long after, we finally met. She cried, and we hugged, and we spent Mother’s Day together. My heart grew for her, and for Rylan, and the more it grew, the more it ached. I sobbed every time I had to drop him off for visitation. Even writing in our shared journal became too much; the emotions were overwhelming.
After raising him for about four months, the day came when we were told he would be going home soon. The knot in my throat felt like it would block my airway. I cried openly in front of the social workers, staring at the baby who had become mine in every sense that mattered.
Soon after, Ashley wrote to me:
*”Hey Elle,
Although I’m obviously very happy to get my baby back, my heart aches for you and Caleb. When I saw you today, I could tell how hard this is going to be, and I just got home and cried because I really do care about you guys and your relationship with Rylan. You have been there for him and loved him up until now, and you will continue to. Just know that you will be a part of Rylan’s family forever as long as you want to! Love you guys and thank you so much for everything you do. Believe me, I know what it feels like, in a way. I didn’t know whether he was coming home or not, and it destroyed me. I wish there was something I could do or say and take that pain away from you and your family. I just feel so blessed you guys were placed in my life and his at a time when we both needed it. I do believe God put you in our lives for a reason and I just can’t thank you guys enough.”*
I had to read her words slowly, bit by bit, because my eyes flooded with tears. She understood my pain. She felt it. That empathy left me in awe, and even now, I can’t believe it.
The day Rylan left was the hardest day of my life. From a tiny newborn to a six-month-old, the baby I had cared for, loved, and nurtured was leaving. Packing up his things, kissing him one last time, watching my husband place him in a car seat for the social worker—my body ached as if it were being torn in two.
With the strength that only comes from God, I wrote Ashley one last letter:
*”Ashley,
You are reunited! I hope you take a moment to realize how far you’ve come. You just went through one of the hardest, if not the hardest, times in your life. You fought for your baby and you got him back. You worked on yourself and did what you had to do to be with your baby again. Be proud of yourself.
When little Rylan first arrived at our house, I was nervous. It was a frantic night, trying to learn what his cries meant and getting everything he needed. I remember sitting in bed the next morning, holding him and crying, knowing there was a mommy out there who was probably heartbroken. I thought of you every day. I hope you know I gave my heart to him and did my very best to love him when you couldn’t be there.
It has been one of the greatest honors of my life to love that baby. You both have my heart forever.”*
